Story Time With Deadite

Chapter 1
Once upon a time there was a turtle named Otis. Otis wasn’t your average, every day, run of the mill turtle. Oh, no no no. Otis was a hip motherfucker. He wore dark sunglasses and drove around in a pimped out black hummer with “fuck da firemenz!” sprayed on the door. He’d be rollin down Malibu and bitches be like “Oh shit. That is one sexy turtle.” And Otis would be all like “…I know”.

Chapter 2
One day Otis awoke to the sound of little girl crying outside. He got out of bed and carefully navigated his way past the candy bar wrappers and whores strewn across the floor of his house. 15 minutes later he finally reached the front door and began to approach the young girl who was weeping on the pavement. “Oh Otis! You gotta help me! David Schwimmer just came and stole my toboggan!” “That’s the third Schwimmer related crime this week” Otis replied, cool as a cucumber in an Eskimo’s vag. “I’m on it.” And with that, he was away.

Chapter 3
Roughly three blocks down the road, our shelled protagonist crossed paths with the toboggan bandit. “Hold it rite there Geller, that’s far enough.” Schwimmer came to a screeching halt and quickly dismounted. “You won’t catch me this time Otis! For I have formulated a cunning plan to not only escape the long arm of reptilian justice, but also to…” But just then, his monologue was abruptly cut short by the arrival of Kanye West! “Yo Ross, im’a let you finish… but Dr Evil had one of the best escapes of all time.” Schwimmer, somewhat stunned by the sudden interruption was then caught off guard and Bort!! sent flying into the air by a strategically placed turtle uppercut to the chin. “That’ll teach’em!” exclaimed Kanye excitedly. “Suck a dick, faglepuss.” Replied Otis, and then he pimped away like the badass tortoise motherfucker that he is.

Chapter 4
The next morning, the little girl showed up at Otis’s front door and was relieved to see her splendid toboggan lying in his prostie-ridden hallway. “Thank you Otis!! I knew you could do it! Now I can finally toboggan my way into the city to see the new Twilight movie!!” Otis paused for a moment…

“Gtfo”